Have you ever tried to look through a frosted window to see what’s on the other side when no one answers the door? I’m guessing the answer is “yes”

The last 18 months or so have been a frosted glass experience for me in many ways. We do a lot of travel around the US as volunteers . Being the guardian of my elderly mentally disabled sister Sharon has impacted those trips. “Should I go, she’s not doing well?” “We should stay, I want to be there for her.” “Hospice says she is starting to decline but….” Yes, it was like looking through a frosted glass trying to make decisions based upon what I really couldn’t see.

Last month was the most challenging scenario in regard to the “go or stay” issue. We were scheduled to go to a volunteer project in Texas for a month. We went to visit Sharon several days before our scheduled time to leave, but as the departure date approached I was really struggling with what to do. On Sunday before leaving we attended church. My eyes were teary and I kept thinking “What if she dies and I’m not with her?” As I silently cried through the service it was as if God was right there telling me “You KNOW she won’t die alone, don’t you? I WILL BE THERE WITH HER!”. And I felt certain that we needed to make one more trip to Salina and visit her.

Not knowing whether she would be lucid or not, we made the trip and found her sitting in her wheelchair at the table. She was very happy to see us, and her smile lit up the room. I sat right next to her and explained that we would be leaving in a couple of days for the month. She reached over and grabbed my face, kissing me on the cheek. I prayed with her and told her she is so precious to her family, and even more precious to Jesus. Then I asked her if she thinks about dying, about heaven. She said….”I really want to see Mom. But I don’t think I’m good enough to go to heaven.” There was a sad fear in her eyes.

Well, that broke my heart. I said, “Oh, Sharon, goodness has nothing to do with it. Jesus died because none of us can be good enough. He promised if we believe him we will go to heaven.” We don’t deserve heaven, it’s why Jesus gave his life on the cross and rose to life three days later. To defeat sin and save our souls. Sharon had accepted that long ago, in her simple way. I prayed with her and kissed her cheek after telling her I love her. And I told her that I might not be with her when she passes, but Jesus will be there and our parents will welcome her, too. Spoken with a very shaky voice and teary eyes.

Walking out the door of her group home that day was extremely difficult. But God had given me peace and calm about our decision to go to Texas.

Our first Sunday in Texas found us attending church with a good friend of ours from that area. It was a large church made up of mostly young couples and families. Very upbeat spirited atmosphere. DeWayne and I sat by the aisle as an older woman slowly made her way with her walker, alone, to a seat a row ahead of us to the right. Alone, surrounded by young couples and children. She wasn’t really interacting with anyone as she sat down.

As we stood to sing and worship my attention was drawn to her. She was holding on to her walker, singing and raising one hand as she sang. She turned in our direction briefly and…..my eyes immediately filled with tears. Her face, her hair, her glasses looked exactly like my Sharon. I tapped DeWayne on the arm and motioned toward her.

You might wonder what songs we sang, what the pastor spoke about, and I might be able to eventually remember. But my face was covered in tears during the entire service and I really couldn’t take my eyes off of the “Sharon” look-alike. As we stood for the final prayer, she made her way slowly from her seat and walked right by us to leave before the prayer ended. Our eyes met very briefly and she made her way out of the sanctuary, never to be seen by me again.

Say what you want, but I am certain that chance encounter was a gift from God to my broken heart. I will never forget that experience.

During that month of volunteering, I received calls from hospice reporting that Sharon was stable and doing about the same as on our visit to her before leaving. My heart was at peace and our time in Texas at the Highland Lakes Camp was really wonderful.

We left for home on a Friday and as soon as we set up camp in El Reno Oklahoma I received a phone call from hospice saying that Sharon’s condition was in significant decline. The hospice nurse said there wasn’t a rush for us to get home right away, she likely wouldn’t pass any time soon. We arrived home, got settled in and late that evening hospice called saying she was no longer responding verbally and likely would pass in the next 5 days. Sunday morning DeWayne, my sister Lois and I went to see her. She was non responsive but when Lois and I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to her she did open her one good eye. Her left eye. 90% of her life was spent with just that left eye open. Well, unless you were taking her photograph. Then she would open both eyes and smile beautifully and briefly.

I leaned over and looked right into her eye and told her Jesus loves her, and that very soon she would be with Him. Sharon has always loved to dance. I told her she’d be dancing with Jesus. And with Mom and Dad. I just know it. Her chin moved a little, but no words left her mouth.

We stayed by her for quite some time with no response. After we left, our sister Wilma went to visit her. She sang “When the Roll is Called” to her and prayed with her before leaving her side to return home. Sharon had been surrounded by the love of her sisters, and more importantly by the constant presence of God in that room.

And the next day she met Jesus. Both eyes open. Healed, whole, happy. I can’t wait to see her again.

Losing my sister has been intensely sad. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile.

There was a time in my life, in fact most of my life I resented Sharon. My attitude was really awful when I became her guardian after Mom passed. I was 37. I was bitter, I was angry. I did what I perceived as my “Mom of Sharon” role half-heartedly. How very tragic, how horrible of me.

During the last several years, however, God changed my heart. He taught me to love her deeply, in a new and healthy way. Sharon was a gift from God. Her life was supremely difficult from day 1. Her intellect ceased to develop around age 9. She was hyperactive, her behavior was challenging a lot of the time. But she loved fiercely, she tolerated whatever life brought her. And believe me…..some of the chapters of her life were exceedingly more challenging than others. I assure you, Sharon Kay was the bravest strongest person I’ve ever known.

Today I am deeply thankful that God allowed me to be so closely involved in Sharon’s life the past three decades. Yes, I am. He used my sister to teach me about His love. How could he forgive me for the many years of bad attitude and less than loving, often mean treatment of Sharon….

I have no idea.

Sharon, I’m not “good enough” for heaven either. But thanks to Jesus, I’m going to see you again face to face one day.

Both eyes open.

Does the mystery of salvation, forgiveness, heaven seem unbelievable? Well, I sure can’t explain it to you. I don’t think we are meant to understand fully this side of heaven. Until then, it’s like looking through a frosted window. Honestly, we don’t need to know. Simple, childlike faith and accepting the gift of salvation that Jesus offers is all we need.

The word “believe” is one you hear often during the Christmas season. I hope you believe the good news that Jesus offers you with both eyes open. For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that all who believe in him will not die but have eternal life in heaven. John 3:16.